The Hall Pass

Gangsta's Paradise

My apologies for the recent Hall Pass hiatus, but, as you know, I have a job now. And, since I haven’t inked a book deal or won $250,000+ in a poker tourney yet, I have to often put the paying job first on the priority list.

Sad, I know.

Before getting back into the full swing of all things Hall Pass later this week, I feel I must (with all due respect to Peter King) utilize this post to tell you a little about the business travel in the past week that caused my absence from The Hall Pass.

Last week, I attended a major IT conference held at Walt Disney World in Orlando, FL. Now, I actually do think Disney is a pretty cool place and look forward to taking my kids there many, MANY years from now. However, let me be the first to tell you that being stuck at Disney for solely a business trip is super-suck-a-fragilistic-get-me-the-hell-out-of here-a-docious.

For starters, there are just way too many people at Disney, and most of them are kids. Now, I love kids, but, again, when engaged in business travel, I don’t want them seated near me on the plane, I don’t want them screaming at me on the airport shuttles, and I certainly don’t want to smell the ones who conveniently have “accidents” in the restaurant where I am eating breakfast.

Second, the weather is just awful in Orlando. I know some may like the heat and humidity, but any place that has weather that could be a setting on a sauna or steam room is not a place where I want to spend my time.

And now the personal highlight of my trip – my accommodations. For reasons beyond my control, I was forced to stay at one of the outlying, budget Disney resorts, which I affectionately referred to as “Ghetto Disney” or “Disney: South Central.”

I definitely understand the need for budget accommodations at Disney – given the fact that a can of soda and a candy bar cost about $22.50, I can only begin to imagine just how expensive a week at Disney would be for a family of four. But, again, when I am traveling for business, there is no question about it: I am a snob.

For air travel, I want to be upgraded on every flight segment. I want to board the plane first and get off the plane first. If I have to check bags, I want mine to be the first off the baggage claim carousel. I want my beverages refilled the moment the glass is half-empty. And I don’t want a baby sitting next to me, screaming at the top of his lungs that he needs to "go potty."

For car rentals, I want my name in lights at the rental car agency and I want the car already started, with the air-conditioning running, upon my arrival. I do not want to have to refill the gas before I return to the airport. And I don’t want to ever wait in line when I return the car.

For hotels, I want to check-in in the preferred line. I want a comfortable bed. I want the blanket or comforter to have clean sheets on both sides of it so I am not completely immersing myself in germs each night. I want room service and I want the food to be edible. I want good cable television (ESPN, TNT, TBS, all major networks, at least one premium movie channel such as HBO, and the ability to order porn in case of emergency).

But, most importantly, I want a clean room - which brings us back to my palace at “Ghetto Disney,” a room that can only be described as “Mold-errrifffic!!!”

I mean, this hotel room was nasty. It was one of those rooms where you walk in and you know that you are going to catch a cold or the flu before you leave. I actually called my wife to tell her that there was a better than 50% chance that the only souvenir I’d return home with was a wicked case of Legionnaire’s Disease.

The bedspreads were nasty. There was just one sheet and one of those thin, rough blankets on the bed (that hadn’t been washed in months, I am certain). The floors were disgusting – I am almost positive the floor and carpets were a completely different color when they were new.

Basically, if you were a mold spore or a black light, you would love this place. But, as a road-weary business traveler, I wanted to cry.

In an effort to pass the time during my first night in the ghetto, I decided to watch some television. I can honestly say that, in a million years, I never would have thought that I’d be bummed about a television lineup that included four ESPN channels. However, given that this was a Disney resort, we only received the major networks and Disney channels (which included the ESPN channels).

For the record, though, the ESPN channels that night were featuring a SportsCenter episode on ESPN which I had already seen, NASCAR on ESPN2 which I wouldn’t watch, the same 30-minute segment on ESPN News which I had also already seen, and an episode of “Cheap Seats” on ESPN Classic, which I watched part of before becoming bored. Thus, I was forced to check out the remaining channels:

There was Disney 1, Disney 2, Radio Disney, Disney: Top Seven “Must See” Attractions and Disney Gone Wild (ok, I made that one up). Basically, every channel featured a cartoon, someone singing “It’s a Small World” or someone with an abnormally-large smile telling you something was “magical” or another thing was “enchanting.” It was enough to make you want to kill someone.

Seriously, after spending four days in the Magical Kingdom, I’d go to bed at night with that frickin’ “It’s a Small World” song in my head. Only, because I was sleeping in virtual petri dish, the words to the song kept changing in my head:

It’s a world of germs,
It’s a world of mold.
It’s a world of flu’s,
And a world of colds.
So many germs that we share,
That it’s time we’re aware,
We’re all pretty much fucked after all.

Not exactly the Disney spirit, I know.

Despite the quality of the room itself, I still expected a high level of customer service, given that it was a Disney Resort. Here, however, is an example of the customer service I received:

I ordered a pizza one night for dinner. The pizza seemed to represent a core tenet of Disney dining experiences: "The food may be terrible, but we make up for it in raw tonnage. I ate one piece of it and then called the front desk to have housekeeping come pick up the trash, which included the leftover pizza.

Note: This was a “condo-style” resort, so my door actually opened into an outdoor courtyard. Thus, the pizza would be sitting outside for an entire host of animals to ravage, including skunks, which were rumored to be roaming the resort grounds at night. 

Here’s how the phone call went:

Front Desk: It’s a magical night at Ghetto Disney. This is Melanie, how can I make your night more magical?

Note: It took every ounce of restraint in my body in crafting a response to that question…

Me: Hi, this is Todd in room 9043. I have trash from the dinner I ordered, including half of the pizza that I need someone to pick up from outside my door.

Melanie: Umm…sir, we don’t pick up trash until the morning. You really need to leave it in your room for the night.

Me (in disbelief): You have got to be kidding me. I have stayed in hotels all over the world and not one has ever made me horde my trash for the night. Please have someone pick the trash up immediately.

Melanie: We’ll try to get someone there within the hour.

Me: Hey, do what you gotta do – but, this pizza is going outside as soon as I hang up this phone.

Melanie: Ok, sir. Have a wonderful evening.

After hanging up, I finally realized that the Disney management and staff thought they could simply get away with anything as long as they remembered to use words like “magical,” “enchanting,” and “wonderful.”

No kidding – it was similar to how people think they can get away with typing anything in an instant message as long as they put a smiley face or “LOL” at the end of the sentence. You know what I am talking about:

Dmbss1904: I am going to have to cancel on our dinner plans tonight.
Loozer1856: Really?
Dmbss1904: Yeah, I’m sorry. You’re not mad are you?
Loozer1856: Whatever. You’re a jackass and I hope you rot in hell. (LOL)

Anyway, I digress.

On the morning of my fourth day at Ghetto Disney, I proceeded to the main lobby to check out. When it was my turn in line, I approached the checkout counter and was met with yet another enchanting greeting from Jennifer, the woman behind the counter.

“Good morning, sir! It’s a wonderful morning, isn’t it? How may I help you?” Jennifer asked, in a shrill tone reminiscent of the woman in Office Space who shrieks “Thank you for calling Initech. Please hold.” I told her I was checking out and she responded, “Oh, Mr. Bernstein, we’re so sorry to hear that you are leaving.”

I actually laughed out loud, and when she asked what was funny, I politely said “Let’s just say, I am ready to leave.” She finished checking me out of my room, told me to have a "magical" day, and I headed toward freedom.

However, before I reached the lobby exit, I stopped, thought for a moment, and then returned back to Jennifer's counter. I looked at Jennifer and poured half of my coffee on the floor. Horrified, Jenny exclaimed "Mr. Bernstein, what in the Wide World of Disney was that for????!!!!"

I solemnly looked at her and said, "Jenny...that was for my homeys on the inside." 

Big Week for The Hall Pass...

It was a big week for The Hall Pass, as yours truly not only went 4-0 with my postseason baseball predictions, but I also made my first final table of a two-day major poker event. More on the poker later, but, seeing as the first pitch of the ALCS is going to be thrown in just a few short hours, let's get right to The Hall Pass predictions for baseball's two League Championship Series:

Los Angeles/Anaheim/Orange County vs. Chicago:

A very interesting matchup in the American League, as the Chicago White Sox come into the LCS with home-field advantage and the past three days off to rest, while the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim hobble into the series banged up, jet-lagged and with a whopping eight hours off.

Seems like a mismatch all the way around, but consider the following:

1. The Angels took the season series against the White Sox, 6-4;
2. The Angels won 4of the 6 games played against the Sox in Chicago;
3. The Angels have the clear edge in playoff experience.

You know what, though? I don't think any of that matters much in this series. Why you ask? It's simple - regardless of how good a team is, it's hard to pick them when they have no idea who is going to pitch in games two, three and four of a seven game series. And that's the situation the Angels are in: after Paul Byrd tonight, who gets the ball for Game 2? Game 3? Game 4?

The best pitcher on the Angels, Bartolo Colon, left last night's game against the Yankees in the second inning with shoulder problems. Jarrod Washburn is sick and has been running a high fever for days. John Lackey, who owned the Sox in two matchups this year, threw a lot of innings against the Yankees. All of this adds up to one thing: bad news for the Angels.

Maybe it's the bad beats I took in the poker tourney this past weekend, but, just as I want my best hands to hold up and win in poker, I want the best teams to make it to the World Series. And, there's no doubt in my mind that the White Sox are the best team in the American League this year. I am taking the White Sox in five.

Houston vs. St. Louis:

I have to first say that, as a die-hard baseball fan, I am really excited for this series. You have the best team in baseball all year - the Cardinals - taking on one of the best second-half teams in baseball this year - the Astros - in a rematch of last year's National League Championship Series. In addition, you have the likely Cy Young winner (Chris Carpenter) pitching at least two games for the Cardinals and two future Hall of Famers pitching in at least three games for the Astros (Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte).

The Cardinals blasted the Astros this season, taking 11 of 16 from Houston, but, even still, the Astros seems to be the darling pick this series because of their pitching rotation. There's no question that having three starters such as Pettitte, Clemens, and Roy Oswalt should give the Astros an upperhand in any seven-game series, but I am still sticking to the theory that the best regular season teams (in this case, the Cardinals) will win out.

Here's the key: I think the Cardinals have a good enough pitching staff (with Carpenter starting two games) to give their superior offense a chance to win the series. So, let's break down the series by matchups:

Carpenter was 4-0 against the Astros this year and is likely going to face Pettitte in his two starts this series. Let's assume, at worst, the two starters will split their games, leaving the series tied at 1-1 (obviously, this analysis is not chronological).

Moving on to the second starters in the respective rotations, you probably will have the Cardinals' Mark Mulder facing the Astros' Roy Oswalt possibly two times in the series as well (Note: At press time, the starters have not been set for any game this series except Game One). Again, I don't see a decided advantage here, except that Oswalt has struggled this year against the Cardinals. Let's assume the Cards bullpen blows one of Mulder's starts, though, and these two split their games.

The series is now tied, 2-2.

And here's where it gets interesting. You have Clemens, aka "The Rocket" - arguably the best pitcher of my lifetime - getting at least one, maybe two, starts (although I doubt he'll be available for two starts, after he was forced into action in the Astros' marathon game against the Braves). He will most likely pitch against the Cardinals' Jason Marquis, who was a perfect 4-0 against the Astros this year. And, as much as it pains me to pick against Clemens, I am going to give the nod to Marquis, given his dominance this year against Houston.

That leaves the Cardinals with a 3-2 series lead and, more than likely, a matchup between Jeff Suppan and Brandon Backe. I give the nod to Suppan in this one, as Backe has seemed very hittable against good teams this year. Even if Astros manager, Phil Garner, decides to give a start to reliever Chad Qualls (a perfect 4-0 against St. Louis this season), I still think the Cardinals, and Suppan, get it done.

Thus...the Cardinals take it in six.

Rounding the Bases....

WHERE ARE THE HALL PASS PICKS OF THE WEEK?

Some of you have inquired as to where the "Picks of the Week" have gone. Some of you have done so because you miss the opportunity to either a) make fun of me or b) make money by betting the opposite of all of my picks.

Here is the reason, though, that I haven't posted in two weeks. And you'll have to just believe me or check with my bookie on this one. I have an incredible 26-4 record in games that I pick without posting the choice ahead of time in The Hall Pass. No joke. However, when I have posted picks ahead of time, I am an abysmal 6-9. Even the gambling novice can recognize that is a huge discrepancy.

Why does it matter? Well, I am superstitious when it comes to gambling on sporting events. As Crash Davis told us, "If you think you are winning because you're getting laid or not getting laid, or dressing up in women's underwear, then you are. You have to respect the streak." Now, I assure you there's no women's underwear involved when I am betting on football games, but you get the point. Until I lose during a weekend where I haven't posted, you'll have to wait for the "Picks of the Week" to return. Which, now that I have talked about it publicly, will most assuredly be this weekend.

SURPRISING STAT OF THE WEEK:

Can you name the NFL head coach with the best overall record since 1999? If you can, you're a smarter fan than I, as I would've never guessed it's Tony Dungy, of the Colts, with a 68-32 record.

GREAT MOMENTS IN SPORTS GAMBLING HISTORY:

Just like poker players, sports gamblers can tell you about their worst beats with a great deal more frequency than their best wins. They always seem to remember the calls or plays that went against them, while either forgetting or ignoring the times the ball bounced the right way.

Well, yours truly was the beneficiary this past weekend of two of these "Great Moments." However, in spite of snatching victory from the jaws of defeat, I was actually a little bummed about how the wins were solidified: awful officiating.

In short, I had the Buccaneers and the Bengals in a two-team teaser in which all they had to do was beat the Lions and Texans, respectively. As I am sure everyone has seen or heard by now, both victories were sealed by dubious calls that seemed to be exacerbated by even worse decisions by the respective instant replay officials. In both cases, the calls went my way, but still, I was shocked that the replay official in Tampa overturned the Lions' game-winning touchdown, and I was amazed that the replay official in Cincinnati upheld a David Carr fumble, when it was obvious his arm was moving forward.

Replay is supposed to ensure that the right calls are always made; however, after last weekend, I am not so sure that's occurring consistently in the NFL.

THE "WHAT WERE THEY THINKING???" AWARD OF THE WEEK:

This week, the honor goes to ABC for greenlighting a sitcom called "Freddie" featuring Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Brian Austin Green, who, like his old 90210 flame Tiffani Thiessen did with her middle name "Amber", has dropped the "Austin" in an attempt to be taken more seriously as an actor.

For the life of me, I cannot imagine that this show remains on the air even through the first episode. However, the show, which is based on Prinze Jr.'s own life, is being produced by the team that brought us The Drew Carey Show and the George Lopez Show. So, apparently, they can create commercial hits, but lack a bit of creativity in the naming of them.

I seriously wonder how these shows get approved, though. Think about it: someone, somewhere had to actually verbalize the following thought:

"I really think television needs another sitcom about a 30-something dude, trying to find love, in this crazy thing we called life. And who better to carry that role than Freddie Prinze Jr., the star of such hits as Scooby Doo and She's All That????!!! And wait, let's give him a crazy buddy to be his sidekick through his adventures! Nobody has ever done that before! And who better to play that role than Brian Austin Green of Beverly Hills, 90210 and....Beverly Hills 90210???!!!!

Regarding Freddie, I will wager $100 with any of you on three things: 1) There will be a cameo in season one by at least one former 90210 cast member and/or Prinze's wife, Sarah Michelle Gellar; 2) This show will not make it more than a season, if that, and 3) My wife, The Hall Monitor, will have the TIVO Season Pass programmed for the show before she finishes reading this post.

And, finally....

MLB POSTSEASON PICKS:

Okay, so I am a day late in getting these posted, but I will stick with my original thoughts and post them here, rather than change the one pick that is looking shaky right now. Let's start in the National League:

St. Louis vs. San Diego: This looks like a complete mismatch on paper, and as yesterday showed, I believe it's a mismatch on the field as well. I take the Cardinals in a sweep, especially since it's now known that Padres ace, Jake Peavy (who got lit up yesterday), is out for the series due to broken ribs he suffered last week during the Padres division-clinching celebration.

A couple of things on this "broken rib" development: 1) Did the Padres know about it ahead of time and decide to go with Peavy, anyway? 2) If they did know about it ahead of time, why not disclose it to the media? Now it just looks like they're making excuses for Peavy's performance yesterday; 3) Is there anything lamer in sports than an athlete suffering an injury in a post-game celebration?

Let's be clear - I know that there have been some horrific injuries in post-game celebrations that I would never consider making light of (my alma mater, Stanford, lost a top volleyball recruit when he broke his neck in a celebration after a high school basketball game). However, I just find it pathetic that professional athletes actually injure themselves celebrating certain victories - especially when the celebration wasn't for winning a league championship! Case in point, Peavy was hurt during the Padres celebration of becoming the worst division champion MLB has seen in years.

And this coming from yours truly, who has gotten a black eye from a toilet seat cover crashing into my face. Anyway, all that aside - the Cards roll.

Houston vs. Atlanta: This series kicks off today with a solid pitching matchup between Andy Pettitte, arguably the hottest pitcher in baseball right now with seven straight wins, and Tim Hudson, an Atlanta ace who has posted just a .500 mark in his last four starts. To analyze this series, I will first paraphrase an old joke about the Miami Dolphins and Hanukah:

"What do Rosh Hashana and the Atlanta Braves collapsing in the playoffs have in common?"

Answer: "No one ever knows exactly when, but both happen every year, sometime in the fall."

And this year is no exception. I admire what the Braves have done this season, but I still believe the Astros are better built for a 5-game series. I think Pettitte gets the win today and possibly in game four, and as long as Oswalt and Clemens get a split in their games, it's all she wrote for the Braves. I'll take the Astros in four.

Onto the American League...

Chicago vs. Boston: This is going to look like my fishiest pick, given that I am only writing about it after a 14-2 White Sox victory, but I took the White Sox yesterday and I think they will win the series. Again, you can trust me, or you can ask my bookie if you don't believe me. For some reason (other than yesterday's thrashing), I just think the Red Sox are done. If I am the White Sox, none of Boston's starting pitchers scare me, and even if Schilling still does put a little fear in me, I am comforted by the fact that he probably can't throw a complete game, thus, bringing the Red Sox bullpen (which is awful) into play. I know this might come back to haunt me because the Red Sox are a tough, resilient team, but I think their run is over. The White Sox take it in four.

New York vs. Anaheim: This is going to look like my dumbest pick, given the 4-2 Yankees victory last night, but I told you I would be honest about my picks. Going into the playoffs, I believed the Angels were going to represent the AL in the World Series. And, despite the loss last night, I still think they can beat the Yankees. Obviously, Lackey must get the win tonight, forcing the Angels to then split the two games in New York. It's true that, given the way Randy Johnson and Sean Chacon have pitched of late, I am not sure they can get that split, but I will stand by my pick, nevertheless. Accordingly, after a Lackey win tonight and a split in NY, the Angels will take the series with a Bartolo Colon win back in Anaheim in Game Five. And yes, I feel awful about that prediction.

Aside from the Yankee win in Game One, there was something equally disturbing about last night's broadcast. I certainly could cite numerous reasons why Fox's baseball coverage sucks - the primary one coming from last Saturday's Red Sox/Yankees game, when it seemed that the "virtual ads" that Fox shows behind the batters during the telecast (projected on a green screen) were making the actual ball disappear during the game. As if t wasn't hard enough to follow Randy Johnson's slider during a game (even in HD), now we have to deal with the actual ball disappearing into the ads???

This was right up there with Fox's hockey telecasts of year's past when they highlighted the puck, and often times the puck showed up on some guy's lap in the fourth row. Great work, Fox. And for the record, the second reason Fox's coverage sucks is Tim McCarver - but that's another posting for another day.

Last night, as they do with every postseason event, Fox featured an "up close and personal" profile on each player. Sometimes they are interesting, but most of the time they suck. And on rare occasions, like last night, they can be horrifying.

Enter Chone Figgins.

In his personal profile, our good friend, and third baseman for the Angels, listed his favorite movie as "Rocky V." Now, I truly believe this was a misprint or a misunderstanding of Roman numerals by Figgins, but, if he actually meant it, it's enough of a reason to root against the Angels. I mean, the only people who should list "Rocky V" as their favorite movie are Tommy Morrison and the other actors who starred in it, but weren't in any of the other "Rocky" movies.

So there you have it...I'll post my picks for the League Championship Series after the matchups are set.