Break Out the Blankets and Condoms...

It’s that time of year again. Television, like the NFL and college football, has begun its regular season. Sure, the summer did feature some good episodes of "Entourage" and the usual slew of reality shows, but the preseason for the TIVO is over – the shows, as they say, count now.

And, although there is a host of new shows I could talk about, I have to first address an old standby: The Real World.

First, as many of you know, I am 30-years-old.

And though it shames me to no end, I still watch, and enjoy, The Real World. I’d like to say that my wife makes me watch it, but I have to face facts: I set the TIVO Season Pass for this year’s installment. 

Now, let me be clear – I don't watch every season; in fact, I have missed most of the recent seasons. However, with this year’s Real World house in Austin (my old stomping ground), I figured I had to watch for a variety of reasons:

1. There is a large number of insanely hot women in Austin;
2. There is a large number of insanely hot women in Austin;
3. There is a lot of partying and drinking in Austin;
4. There was a better than 60% chance that at least one of my dumbass Austin friends would end up on the show, doing something he would regret for the rest of his life. Opening line had Alon at -260.

I have watched the entire season, and once again, as I sat through last night’s episode, I could only think two thoughts:

1. I cannot believe I am watching this crap;
2. I cannot believe I can’t turn this crap off.

I mean, seriously, this season’s cast members, as a good friend of mine put it, have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I think that’s a little harsh, but understandable, because I don’t think my friend, a 30-year-old married woman, likes seeing Melinda naked as much as I do. But I see her point – why should I remotely care what happens to these people?

This season’s show follows the tried-and-true Real World casting recipe:

1. One or two hot chicks (Melinda and Johanna);
2. One chick who is not as hot as the “hot chicks” and fights for airtime in other ways (Rachel);
3. An African-American male who is a borderline player, but not quite there (Nehemia);
4. A completely clueless “himbo” who thinks he can get every chick (Wes);
5. The compassionate, yet good-looking, guy who wants to be a player, but is too nice to make it a full-time gig (Danny);
6. The budding alcoholic (Johanna);
7. The sensitive cast member who lurks in the background and is only featured in one episode – usually when his/her significant other comes to visit (Lacey).

Sure, there are some other Real World standbys (the bi-sexual hot chick, the racist mid-westerner, etc.) but most of the pieces are there for this season. So, with most of the ingredients in place for The Real World: Austin, let’s break down some of this season, starting with Danny:

This poor kid.

He gets picked to go on The Real World, and within days of arrival, promptly gets pummeled in a fight on Sixth Street and is forced to have surgery to repair a fractured orbital bone in his face. I am willing to bet that most people, while watching that fight, thought it was one of the stupidest thing they’ve ever seen. Let me tell you, though, these fights on Sixth Street are so common, that I actually thought about bringing a bell, a set of gloves, and a group of judges with me each weekend in Austin so I could charge people admission to these things. It’s fraternity life at its finest, no question.

Danny has his eye surgery, and has the lovely Melinda to comfort him during his recovery. I mean, could you ask for a better “nurse” than a hot blonde who says things like “Ugggh, I need to have sex….I am about to f**k this pillow.” Umm, Danny, put down the ice pack, strap-on the eye patch, and get down to business, you cycloptic baby.

Danny recovers from the eye surgery and begins to get serious with Melinda. And, just as he’s planning out the perfect Valentine’s Day with her, he gets the call that his mom died. Truthfully, having had to make one of those phone calls in my life (about my dad), I found this episode to be fairly gut-wrenching, so I won’t spend too much time on it. But, here’s my question:

Do you think that, somewhere in the recesses of their minds, The Real World producers are actually happy when this kind of thing happens? All I can think about is Ellen DeGeneres' portrayal of the ruthless reality television producer in “EdTV” – a movie that, at the time seemed to suck, but rings exceptionally true today. Anyway, I’d like to think the producers aren’t pulling for these types of things to happen, but I still am willing to bet that with every death, arrest, fight, alcohol-poisoning or break-up, the producers are, at the very least, smirking on the inside. I hope I am wrong.

Moving onto Wes…

This kid makes me laugh out loud more than anyone on the show. Wes is seriously Nuke LaLoosh, with a mean streak.

I was absolutely convinced that one of his confessionals was going to begin with him explaining his love for Johanna with, “You know, it’s out there. In a radical, tubular sort of way, but most of all…it’s just out there.”

Everyone knows this guy: not that great looking, but hits the gym enough to think he’s a walking Adonis and can get any girl he wants. His pursuit of Johanna has to be one of the funniest storylines the Real World has seen in years. Yes, I am impressed he finally got to make out with her, but for the first six episodes, his confessionals about her were so involved and detailed, while hers barely made mention of him.

His complete focus on Johanna, while she doesn't seem to waste one iota of thought or effort on him, reminds me of the final scene in Swingers, when Trent thinks the woman across the diner is making baby faces at him, when she is, in fact, just talking to her baby seated across from her.

That's Wes - he thinks every woman's actions (particularly Johanna's) are always about him. But he seems to do just fine because, as Bull Durham tells us, “The world is made for people who aren’t cursed with self-awareness.”

Which brings us to Johanna…

Did anyone have any doubt, after watching the first episode, that Johanna would be this year’s cast member to either a) get thrown in jail, or b) be taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning?

And sure enough, on cue, Johanna got arrested in last night's episode. I am not sure how many seasons in a row have featured a public intoxication arrest, but we’re approaching the DiMaggio hitting streak of reality TV here.

However, rather than focusing on Johanna’s impending intervention and trip to rehab (quote from last night: “It’s not my drinking that’s a problem. It’s the amount I am drinking.”), I have to talk about her hook-up with Leo last night, as a means of inducting a Real World “convention” into the Reality TV Hall of Fame.

In last night’s episode, Johanna finally gets this dude, Leo, back to her place for a little nookie. They end up in these huge bean bag chairs in the game room and begin what I call the “Dare” hookup, where basically each of them dares/challenges the other to hook up – exchanging such witty repartee as:

“You’re just playing games – you won’t actually do anything about it.”

"No, you're the one who's playing games and won't do anything about it. "

"No, you are."

"No, you are."

You get the point.

So, it’s looking like it’s going to be your standard Real World hook-up, until we discover that Lacy has tuned the closed-circuit TV in the house to the game room and is watching Leo and Johanna hook-up, while talking to her boyfriend on the phone. All of which leads to my favorite line of the episode, when Lacy tells her man: “Wow, they’re getting under the blankets, so it must be getting serious.”

Ahh, The Real World blankets - a reality TV institution.

Seriously, is there a better reality TV “convention" than The Real World blankets? It’s the industry standard for reality TV hook-ups – when the blankets go over the head, the clothes are coming off. I can’t even imagine what a CSI black-light would show on those things. In fact, I don’t want to even think about it. What scares me, though, is that, with the continual growth of Reality TV, I can totally picture one of these blankets hanging in the Smithsonian one day next to Kermit the Frog and Archie Bunker’s chair. God help us.

So there you have it. Awful television that I will continue watching, right up until the season finale. I will make a vow, though, that this is going to be my final Real World. I am going to take a stand, cancel the TIVO Season Pass, and focus on the more important, more mature, things in my life.

Like fantasy football and playing video games.